Telemundo and Univision gave us a new world and vision

Right around the beginning of my teen years, where The New Kids on The Block were disintegrating from the music world, I started to pay more attention to my own culture. I remember how much I loved visiting the Spanish side of my family. Sure they were funny and fun group to be around with, but the truth to why I loved to visit them was what they were watching every single day of their lives. I could never understand what they were saying on the television set but what they were showing needed no translation. It was the time I discovered two channels called TELEMUNDO and Univison. They are Spanish channels with line ups from Novelas (Soup Opera) to Sabado Gigante (the biggest Spanish game show). Now, no matter what show was on, all I noticed were how voluptuous and curvy these women were on these particular channels. I mean, everyone was a model on TV. I don't think, even to this day, there is a single "bucket of yuck" woman. In retrospect, what a great concept these leaders (Angel Ramos and Joe Uva) of the biggest Spanish-language networks in the world have created. I called it at one point "teasing-porn" because you didn't have to use your imagination to see what these women would look like naked. I also thought that they should have just called one of them, TCC (The Cleavage channel). I give them a lot of credit for transcending the mediocre television news reporters to the new and exciting sexy-anchorwomen. America is also following in their footsteps slowly but gradually. I am more of a newspaper kind of guy because it's tradition. Also because I don't want to hear negative news from an ugly standard woman. Don't get me wrong, I'm not shallow at all but from a business stand point sex sells and what better way to start the morning with negative coverage of our world by a positively good-looking woman. So BP screwed up and gave us the oil crisis but damn, did you see Ainsley Earhardt report on Fox News? That blue blouse goes great with her eyes. Yes, I love SportsCenter and watch it religiously but Erin Andrews and Vicky Ward make me forget for 40 seconds what Brett Farve will decide on next year. Television is on it's way to a bright future with beautiful women but let's not degrade the fact that they CAN report. My favorite, if you need to know is Heidi Watney. Ahhhh...pure beauty -Plus she knows her sports. So again, thank you Spanish-Language channels. So I posted a picture of Heidi Watney and has nothing to do with Telemundo or Univision but who cares...look at her. Way to go NESN!

I am Wally's Liver

Now, I am not in any form or way whimpering or fussing about my Commander in chief. Just wanted to make a statement in case anything would happen to me. You don't know who this is because I'm never out in public but I am Wally's liver. I (cough)...excuse me, "we" have been in partnership ( if we call it that) for 28 and a half years. We grew up together and been through our up and downs but the best part was getting to know the other organs in his body. The brain is the cool one, while the heart inspires us all but the ones that are separate from us all are the testis. They hang out with a dick and always has an attitude and very moody. We've all been perfectly healthy for the first 18 years until he found and started using substances that abused us. Now I may be the first organ to come out to open up, but I speak for all of us when I say: We are very cohesive unit but we can only handle so much. I know he can have an addictive personality and loves to socialize, which gets him into trouble, but I don't think he notices the changes internally. For one, I used to weigh 2.5 lbs and now I am about 3 lbs. I also used to recover at a dashing pace but after all the hard work of filtering substances such as alcohol and... (Well let's just say a lot of alcohol) I am tired and weak. I don't mean to brag but I feel as if I have a very important role in this body such as making amino acid, storing vitamins and minerals, breaking down fat and much much more. I am burned out and to be honest, Wally doesn't help out by working out or eating right. I feel like a single mom sometimes. On the plus side, he has changed his drinking habits by switching to wine and liquor 3 times a week, instead of everyday beers and shots phase he had for 7 years. We've (organs) all collectively worked on a plan to slow down our working progress so he can gain some weight and start slowing down on drinking. We also thought we would shatter his confidence and he would stop drinking completely but that didn't work because that SOB's audacity and sheer will-power is on a whole different pedestal. All in all, we will never give up on this guy because after all he does takes care of us and means well. He believes we are far much stronger than the average body of a human being -That is inspiring.

Why I miss relationships...the fights.

Ok so being single is amazing and all. I love being around different women but here's the problem: You can't have good fights. If you get into a fight with a woman you are dating for 2 weeks, she's just going to leave and say fuck you. The sex was good but I didn't break her. I treat it as a computer program that I couldn't hack inside and destroy her. On the other hand, fights with a woman you had a relationship for 2 years is so much more fun. First, they don't expect it. Sure you had a few fights here and there but she's always going to believe on the relationship as if it's a love story from a Disney movie that will eventually have a happy ending. Oh there's an ending alright, just not the one she think is coming. So, I walk in and find something wrong in something she did for me. It could be a cake or booked a Broadway show. I would look at her long enough for her to open up for surprise. And I ask her, "Are you serious? Do you know I am allergic to flour now? Also, my great great great grandfather was shot in the back at a Broadway show." Now it all starts. You lay the ground and just start fighting. Then just tell her with calm and ease so it sticks harder like sliding butter on a frying pan: I think we need a break. Boom it's over! See how fun that could be? The crying fireworks start pouring and all I can think of is, "Yes! I am a man because I've seen my parents fight all the time and this is how it's suppose to be done, damn it. (sarcasm)

But be aware of the relationship where she sarcastically agrees with you. She'll say, "you are so right about everything. Gosh, you are an amazing man. I am so wrong and Walter you are so right. I am driving a car with the tank full of wrong gasoline on a road of wrongness. Then she breaks it off. Now she just turned the tables and the guy is now emotionally hurting. What do you do now? The man has become the woman and it sucks. Ok, so none of this has ever happen but I like to think that relationships should break up this way. It's so much more funnier than the cheesy ones you see on TV or the stories my friends give me. This is my way of laughing at my break-up.

Drunemployed

My hectic schedule pretty much consists of waking up in the un-Godly hour of 11 in the morning. I sometimes have to motivate myself to drag one leg out of the bed and onto the floor. It helps very much when I have a mirror in front of me. It immediately reflects the unhappy sober moron in front of me. I brush my teeth for 5 mins. Not because I love clean teeth but because I am in slow motion. Then I wash off the warm-used toothpaste in my mouth with some beer. I tried whiskey once but realized it was too expensive to be wasted on by spitting it out. I am somewhere in between of sleep walking and actually trying to exist in life. Afterwards I cook myself some breakfast. Usually white egg omelet (trying to stay in unemployment shape). Head to the living room and watch my mid afternoon line-up. When I wake, I need comedy or sex. But since comedy is there most of the time, I am happy with that. I watch Spin City and Home Improvement. The Pamela Anderson episodes are the best.
I leave the house because I'm in the need of some H and C. You're probably asking, "What is that, Walter? Ham and Cheese sandwich?" No, it's not but although, that is very delicious. It's Hotties and Cold-beers. I need to treat my eyes to beautiful women so I go out for a walk around Central Park. I meet some women, have casual convos (conversations). I'm a really sweet guy so I invite them out for some day drinking. There's nothing more fun to me than meeting strangers in the city and just sharing stories and adventures. Of course alcohol makes the stories and company so much better. What I love most about NYC is that you are never ever bored. Nothing is weird or abnormal either. Sure my memory gets vague and blurry every day due to excessive drinking but I can't wait to start it all over again the next day. Now all of this is thanks to the previous company that fired me. That company made me go collect unemployment money. I have never done it before but I am having an amazing time and this is a great country with no boundaries and tons of loopholes. Although all that money was used for alcohol, I have no regrets on wasting time. There's plenty of time in my life for success but never enough for failure, so why not take advantage of it while I am young and careless.

In a Ferrari state of mind

When you think of a Ferrari you immediately think of the color red with 600+ horse power or 8-12 cylinders. When I think of Ferrari, I think of a comedic visionary. A man that teaches and personifies music that rambles through the bones. A man who will set us free with his perspective and crazy unheard of antics. We sometimes wonder how a man can move his mind as electricity through metal onto a human body because there was no rubber in between. Well I have found the answer to the sweet charity of life. I have found the one that endures pain for you, while substituting humor for it. If someone asks me how does a man like F.T. Ferrari make you feel, I would reply: How do you think Elmo feels when you tickle him? He laughs. If Earle Dickson met F.T. Ferrari in 1921, he would have called his protective attachable medical dress a Ferra-Aid instead of Band-Aid. Today we would have been saying "Oh, I am bleeding. Put a Ferra-Aid on me, please." If a Swiss by the name of Dr. Tadeusz Reichstein met Ferrai in 1935, he would have called his innovative pills: Ferraratins instead of Vitamins. Kids would say, "I took my ferraratins already, mom." Sure it was made of animal intestines, bladders, oil impregnated - silk, linen, and paper, in what we now call condoms, but if Gabrielle Fallopius met Ferrari in the 1500's he would called them Ferraroms.
My point is that these are the prime examples of what a man with high exuberance in life can do to us. He motivates and assembles quality in a deteriorating life. I pay Homage to this man and I will continue to follow in his footsteps towards becoming the future of dexterity. I am a product of Fysh Timothy Ferrari.

Comparing life to sports

I'm drunk, belly's full and very dizzy but the Funnel beer is not even three-quarters of the way done. What do I do? Do I give in, accept defeat and live to pound another beer? No, I finish and go the distance. Suddenly, I see the vision of the ball in my hands when there's only three seconds left in the game. Boom, I chug it -"Swish!" Crowd goes wild. That's my life in a nutshell. I compare life to sports, mostly basketball. If this week wasn't great, it's ok because it's just the second quarter. Give myself a little half-time pep talk and I'm ready to go for two more weeks and finish the month strong with a "win".
I always consider myself as the "4th quarter" guy. Now, you have to keep into account that I came from the Jordan Era, so my confidence is as parallel to my idol -None of the arrogance as a Lebron. I remember many times in High school and especially college, I would study the night before or on the way to an exam and suddenly know all the answers because of sheer clutch confidence. At least most of them. It's the "Game-Time" confidence I possess when encountering crucial pressured moments. As my saying goes, "Pressure makes diamonds." Everything in life is a challenge and if not, you better make it a challenge. From the kid learning new games to the old man trying to get out of bed, we mustn't except failure but endure the trials. If you treat life as a game and not a personal matter, than your losses become small and unimportant. Helps you to forget the losses and mentally prepares you for the next win. As it is a loss, people never remembered the time I got robbed at gun point or Cops pulling me into the back of the car. They remember me surviving cab jumps while in motion and not getting arrested because I talked my way out of it. On that note, you think cops want to arrest you? NO, they want to see if you can escape the situation. In fact, they challenge you to run. Bottom line, people remember wins. I also inherited gun-slinging from Brett Favre. E.G., when I see a very attractive woman across the room and while most think she is out of their league, I simply attack. Throw all I got without a care. Sometimes it's not the size of the gun, but the size of the holster they see. It's the same when you go after a job that you have no experience in. You gun-sling. Let the employer know you have the fire power to get the job.
So the next time you find yourself in a challenge, look at the game clock in your head and ask yourself, what would Michael or Brett (or your favorite athlete) do?

A quick motivational story on getting pulled over.

I think most of us have been there and if not, you will. Getting pulled over is part of the Americana experience for the rebel in you. Whether it's for driving through a Stop sign or you're lights weren't functioning properly -Remember this, there's always a way out. Just use your mouth or elegant body parts if your a women, to get you off the hook. Sometimes it helps to be funny. Like telling the officer, "sure I have my license, officer. Do you mind, holding my beer while I get it." Or, "Oh officer... (read his ID) Wallace? My grandfather who fought in WWI, his name last name was Wallace also. This must be a sign, maybe a warning but I'm already proud to be pulled over by you." These were actually said and worked, believe it or not.
There was this other time when Ricky and Bobby (Fictional names for protection) were smoking Marijuana while driving through a side road in North Carolina. They assumed they weren't going to get caught because it was out of the way from any major highway. They were listening to AC/DC but at the volume level that is one number away from its' max, just because they didn't want to get carried away. Suddenly, they saw a siren in the rear view mirror. Bobby instantly panicked because he's on a 30 day paid leave (vacation) from the military. Ricky new that and while Officer Jesus (we'll call him that) was walking towards the truck, he stepped out and met him half way. At first, Officer Jesus was startled to see him out of the car without any instructions but than Ricky explained, "Officer, I know we ran through a red light and I was wrong for doing so. The truth is my gay boyfriend Bobby in the truck, is on time-off from the military. None of our parents know that we're gay and we try to keep it a secret. It's the only time, quote on quote, that I get to hang out with him. Now, We both have been through enough and if our parents, never mind the military, found out about this...(3 second pause)... it would hurt them. I'm asking, no begging to please let this go." The Officer was shocked and didn't know how to react. So Jesus decided to sacrifice his duties and give Ricky a warning. When Ricky went back to the truck, Bobby asked what he'd said. Ricky, replied, "you don't want to know, you don't want to know."

The Airline Industry...Just the tip

I went to the movies the other day to see "Up In The Air", starring George Clooney. I immediately connected with this movie because of the character that Clooney plays. He cherishes life on the road or in his case, the sky. It was like watching myself in the mirror or at least his life style. I'll admit, he is a very good-looking guy, so scratch the mirror comparison. I mean the part where all he does is fly and work, with the occasional "perks" -That lifestyle.

I was involved with the airline industry for more than 7 years and I regret nothing from it. In fact, it has given me plenty of stories to tell. Whether it's humorous or serious information, I was a keen observer of it all. I don't know of any other way to tell them but through comedy. For the close enough people that I let in, they got a taste of the comedy writing (sitcom)that I hope to finish within the year. As for the serious/classified information, they will not be out in the open due to its sensitivity. Although I know all companies have loopholes and malicious practices, I will not be open about it because it would be like telling people where your friend hides the keys to his house (under the rock).

The whole operation is quite interesting. You always have characters in every station. Let's start with the Customer Service agents, that check you in. Most are cool and just fun to work with, but then you have the other "bunches of oats" that you wonder how they got the job, even through a 10 year background check. Not because they're dangerous but because they have no logic. They are ZMP (Zack Morris Phones)and we are the Apple phones. We're in different wave lengths and they just don't get it. Still bless their soul, they are cute. The Customer Service people I feel bad for the most are the Baggage claim workers. As soon as they clock in for work, they immediately hear a complain and forever fill out lost/damage bag claims. It's suicidal. Well it was when we were short staffed. The Rampies on the other hand, are the ground crew that are soldiers in the trenches. They have the most physical job in the industry and on top of that (that's what she said), they're the Gun-Slingers. They get the job done and don't really care for the drama. I remember back in the days, there was always some kind of competition between us. From water balloon fights to wrestling matches, it was never a dull moment. Another gruesome and rigorous job was Operations. I will just say, I once heard a guy throw a radio to the window that shattered it because of frustration. It may have been a rumor and I was probably not there but he was considered one of the best. The top 1 percent; the best of the best, the elite. Or that could have been me. Not the Window guy, the top 1 percent guy. Anyway, for him to breakdown like that...well you get the point.

Being a flight crew up in the air is a whole different animal, that in another day I will talk about. It can be nothing but a party up there or a circus of crisis. You don't have the agitated or truculent passengers that were once mad at a 6 hour ground delay. You have the "finally, we're on our way", and they are a better group. I always looked at passengers as people that wanted something. Whether it was to listen to their stories, vent out, or just simply need booze, you gave it to them. If you expect service at a restaurant than you should get it up there as well. That was my philosophy. Nevermind the rest of the pessimistic crew, as you always find a couple. Sure I was hitting on most women, but I still got the job done. I wanted nothing but smiles and laughs coming from women, men and children. I didn't understand the FA (flight Attendants) that were parsimonious towards customers/passengers. They were fun to watch, though. There was this FA-Nazi one time that roared at this customer, "Excuse me, get your feet off the bulk-head! Even though it looks like a living room because you have your own TV and you're sitting on leather seats, it's not your living room." When she left, I replied to the guy, " it sure seems like a living room because she sure seems like a pain-in-the-ass wife. But you are missing something. Here, have a beer, now it's a living room." Well you had to be there but the crowd went nuts. Moments like that made people leave the aircraft as if they left an AC/DC concert. The layovers were a lot of fun, too. Most sleepless because either you decided to follow the crew and party or just not enough time to force yourself to sleep. It's fun but a very tiring job. I call it, "a rock star without the millions". And yes, some of us do have groupies. Crew-Medicine for sleep: Sleeping pills, booze or sex. Or all if you want the hat-trick.

The dark and tough side of the industry is the possible danger. I've seen enough close calls or situations, but that comes with the territory. I know people are afraid of flying and the whole Government security controversy may worsen it, but it will all defuse itself out. America is to fear; face those fears to fight and move forward. Plus, those guys know what they're doing, and you need to travel somehow -Flying is faster. I will also add, there are heroes up there like me. I can sense them. I hear them. You probably question us but we trained our ears to send impulses through the eighth cranial nerve, the 8th nerve's Vestibular Portion. Those impulses are sent to the vestibular portion of the central nervous system. Although, the human ear can generally hear sounds with frequencies between 20 Hz and 20 kHz (the audio range), we get it up to 30 kHz for when danger lurks. And you don't even want to know what our eyes can do.

ESPN to launch 3-D network

When I opened up the newspaper this morning, meaning Internet, my eyes popped wide open like a cartoon character. Sports headline displays, "ESPN to launch 3D network in June." "Gasp!" The future is finally here (unlike the disappointment of hovering DeLoreans). Or is it?

So they start the 3D broadcast in June for a soccer game? Who cares???!!! Don't get me wrong, soccer is a very popular international sport, just not here in the good 'ol USA. Despite the fact, that all can change since the census estimates that in 2050 Latins will no longer be a minority but instead a majority. I can see it now... instead of deciding on what kind of Asian or Indian food to order out, you'll now have another option in white food. No pun intended, I love white people and I'm practically Irish myself. At least I drink like one. Back to the subject though, it took nearly 6 years for HD (high definition) to get up and running in most of America's living room. Therefore, I wouldn't get too excited just yet. Then there's that premium they're thinking of charging you. I don't know about you but the 8th grader in me is saying, "Duh!"...Of course they will. In addition, there's the equipment. You'll have to get a 3D-capable TV, that they will soon show off in Vegas, plus use those silly 3D glasses. So more money, wearing silly 3D glasses and meaningless games equals...3D meet waste of time; waste of time, meet 3D. But hey if you have the kahonez or money to be the first to ride the 3-Dimensional wave, by all means do it. I just don't want to be that guy who purchased all those HD DVDs, when suddenly it became obsolete to the Blu-Ray.

OK so that was my pessimist side. I have seen Avatar in 3D and it was quite an amazing experience. Kudos to James Cameron (Jim for those that know him like I do). Even that "Avatar sex scene" got me thinking of new ideas, such as 3D porn. Now I may be thinking selfish and getting ahead of myself here, but nothing else made my hands try to reach out to that theater screen as that 3D scene did. Plus, I'm just trying to see the upside of the future in 3D. I can see it working for video games and movies at home but I'm just not sold on the idea of 3D sports just yet. Creativity will set us free, right? So we'll just have to see what happens.

Train speed-dating, really???

It's not just the bars, pubs, lounges or clubs anymore. Especially not the clubs, since you can never carry a conversation without involving the words, "what?" or "Excuse me, didn't hear you...?" Not that I'm looking but I found an interesting observation as a male species, towards meeting women (or men, if you're into that) on a train. I won't be the first person to tell you, as a fellow New York-er, that the scenery gets better towards the center island of Manhattan. Sure you find the occasional eye-candy or Venuses in and around the other 4 Burroughs, but language/communication can be a challenge in some vicinities and you may have to do a little more train connecting between stops. Of course it's a vehicle for transportation from point A to B for the forever-on-the-run NYer, but that's one of the last places a woman expects to get hit on. In which I found it more successful when they least anticipate it and feel much safer around a crowd.

I saw a man the other week scoping the area as if he were looking for the emergency exits, in case I guess. Though within a matter of seconds he walked towards an attractive woman and simply approached her. She was reading a book and he quickly glanced at the review notes on the outside page. Then jokingly guessed and described the forsaken ending of the book that no one ever wants to hear, but because it was done with charm and humor, she found it quite amusing and fun. He knew he didn't have much time since she noticed the trains present location, so he spoke some more, openly enough that made him seem trustworthy and funny. Since she didn't expect to find that on the train, because let's be blunt the average train passenger wants nothing to do with others, she was willing to be spontaneous and give her number out to the guy when asked. In some cases depending on age, it's their Facebook e-mail or full name.

Now, I know it works just because I have done it myself under the influence of personality... and some alcohol. It wasn't on purpose, though. It's not like I get dressed up and get a few numbers and head back home. I just simply love to chat everywhere I go. Riding the train gives me plenty of ideas for jokes and lines -a writing hobby I have. So I figure it's just a matter of time, that people will start to do more of this speed dating on the train to meet others. Heck, they may even bring a wingman. People always look for new ways, such as letting a website match you with others, based on "chemistry questions," so it won't surprise me to hear people buying a day-pass ticket and looking for dates on the "A" or "C" train. Sounds lame and aberrant but so they say the same about Internet dating which I hear has many successful stories. Me, I'm old-fashion, club her on the head and take her away -Translation: Buy her plenty of drinks enough to get my face looking remotely close to Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise.